A Story Of Family, Exorcising Demons, And Football Part I “Fuck you Tom Brady! I hope this is the… the worst day of your professional life!” My mom doesn’t curse that much, but she sure fuckin’ did during the Super Bowl – pardon, THE Super Bowl, the only Super Bowl that’s ever mattered; the one…
Author: Kevin
If I Were Rudolph I Would Definitely Hold Santa Over A Barrel After The Reindeer Acted Like A Bunch Of Cocks
You Heard Me “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” is a textbook case of workplace discrimination masquerading under the pretense of a song-that’s-also-the-name-of-an-adjacent-movie, joining a long and celebrated list of which the most famous is, of course, Wild Wild West. As much as Will Smith delicately crafts an intricate and complicated tapestry in support of child labor…
The Biggest Butthead On The Planet
It’s About A Dog I. Ever wake up from a dead sleep knowing something’s terribly wrong? Yeah, my sister’s dog had a knack for that shit. One winter some years back my sister asked if I would dogsit Oliver for the night. I said of course. Me and my fuzzy little homie hung out, a…
Fare Thee Well, Democracy
Please bear with me on this, there may be some redundancies but this is going somewhere, I promise. I was 14 and in south Jersey on September 11. It was the second week of school and I was already over it so I faked sick in second period and went to the nurses’ office. I…
New Jersey, Don’t You Dare Let Me Down
Southern Regional Middle School, 8th grade. We spent a whole quarter studying the Holocaust across every subject except math and probably gym. We read Night by Eli Weisel, a survivor came and spoke to all of us in the library; we watched the horrific footage of bodies, piles of people, jackets, shoes; heard the nightmares…
They Have They Plant But We Have The Power
This movement, these protests – I’m not very comfortable writing my trivial insights, my perspective, when there are literally millions who have far more valuable and important stories. But this is how I figure shit out – or try to, anyway. A Step I marched with Black Lives Matter on Saturday, and again the next…
Fare Thee Well, Democracy: A Lament, A Plea
“This is so fucking bizarre.” It was an appropriately stormy San Diego morning when Donald Trump was sworn in as President of the United States. I watched that xenophobic, misogynistic, delusional, fake-tan dingus speak as the leader of my country, easily making the Top Three Worst Moments of My Life Without Pants. The moment I’d been…
The Ocean Grew Hands to Hold Me
I surfed on Thursday for the first time since December. It’s August. The water was in the mid-to-high 70’s, a rarity for California. Scripp’s Institute noted the temperature as the highest they’ve recorded – ever, for whatever that’s worth. It had been at least a couple years since I had surfed without a wetsuit and…
If That Old Guy Really Is Antifa Then They Need All The Help They Can Get
Is there a difference between Donald Trump and the noise my butt made into the toilet this morning? It’s hard to tell these days since they’re loud, stink, lack both coherence and substance while portending a future where I’ll be shaking my head in disgust. When the President of the Unites States enthusiastically justifies the…
My Perspective
I grew up with cops. My dad was a cop, my uncles were cops, my other “uncles” that weren’t blood related were cops, the guys on their softball teams that I hung out with eating hotdogs as a 6 year old were cops, and now my cousins are cops. I’ve never been afraid when I…